M I X E D

Thoughts are mixed up inside my head.

It's already been 2 Months+

I swear to myself that it's gonna be okay.

Everything is okay.

Everything would be okay.

Eventually, it would be okay.

Most of the time, people asks me 

"Hey, are you okay?"

Seriously, I wanted to say "Hell NO"

But now, I learn to say this

"No, but I would be okay eventually"

I remembered I was so struggling to put everything down

After I've been waiting for sometime for the confirmation, 

I did thought that it would end up perfectly

If it's not perfect, at least, it's the way I wanted.

But,

things didn't go well.

which another person ended up turning away from me

and I'm all alone again.

It was painful. I was struggling.

Struggled so hard.

Summer started, he came in my life.

Summer ended, he went away.

It was so ironic. Everything happened ironically.

Just like he never ever appeared in my life before.

Hahaha

Cried. Mad. Calmed. Painful. Tried to forget and get over him. 

and then, I just found out the lies.

lies lies lies

I'd rather slapped by the painful truth 

than being cheated with a beautifully made-up lies

It happened way too early,

even before I made the decision.

At first, stayed as friends was totally fine for me.

He gets his life, I live my own.

But, after I knew the truth, 

madness and furious filled my heart and mind.

I'm not gonna be friends with a liar.

Don't tell me you're serious with me,

when you're not.

I knew playful people won't tell people about their true self.

But, at least, at least,

don't give too much of hope and get her brick walls down 

till she'd believe that you're her hope.

****************************************************************

When you're over with someone,

leave them with peaceful mind.

Don't interrupt them.

Don't try to break into their life.

Don't ever make their life miserable.

I knew not everyone would do this.

But, at least I do.

When it's over, it's over. 

But, reality is different.

REALLY different.

There's assholes and jerks in this world.

The relation went rough and gone bad.

Okay fine, I packed and left.

Anything would be fine if he were just leaving me alone,

without doing anything to me.

#jerksbeingjerks

What made you so desperate? 

What made you being a cheapskate?

I never take anything that doesn't belong to me, 

but what belonged to me, you took it away.

you just took them away, like they are yours. 

Damn you asshole!

Don't you feel ashamed of yourself? for being a thief???

Gonna cut off this kind of people from my life.

Don't ever say Hi to me. 

If you really did, 

sorry I would only show you my #baddestbitch face.

I was so ashamed of this kind of people in my life.

Cause everyone lives with their own problems. 

That's life :)

But, why can't just spare other people with peace. 

Why would they wanna put people's life in miserable terms.

Some people just won't learn. 

They don't really learn from what they experienced or gone through.

Jerk, you said you've gone through a lot yeah? 

Lemme tell you, you're not. 

Cause you haven't get the pain in da ass.

But, you will. You will get the pain eventually.

Then, you would come to realize that someone stood there for you, 

but you neglected her and treated her like an option.

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BULLSHITS

I'm getting lots of bullshits in my life.

People pretends and acts like they're the innocent one.

You act innocently in front of me, 

I'll make sure you get your lessons.

If you don't learn from your lesson, 

Good, congrats, continue to be the jerks 

and one day, 

your daughter will feel the pain just like how you hurt girls' hearts

Hell yeah, I'm the baddest bitch now.  

Confirmation?

Totally neglected my blog for a long time.

I'm back.

Talking about confirmation

Hmm

I guess it's a tough moment while waiting for the confirmation

It's either a job confirmation

or confirmation about a r/ship

But I guess whenever the confirmation is yet to be done,

everything is questioned.

Have been questioning myself for such a long time.

"Is he the right guy?"

"Are you ready for that?"

"What would you do to cherish your partner?"

etc.....

All these popped into my head,

each and every day.

Thinking about someone do make us feel happy.

But become emotional also, at the same time.

*********************************************************

I once ran after a guy that I liked so much.

Spent time and effort on him,

without any hesitation or doubt,

I just wanted to be with him so badly that time.

At last, everything ended up.

Everything went worse.

I never blamed him for that.

I blamed myself a lot.

That's my decision which I decided to run after a guy who doesn't liked me at all.

So, bear the consequences :)

Everything goes well.

I let go all of the feelings and I'm okay right now.

After this particular guy, I told myself

I wouldn't chase after a guy anymore.

Once is enough. I'm tired.

If he likes you, he will eventually put in effort to be with you. 

No matter how hard the situation is, you will be with him.

If he is meant to be yours, he will by your side, at last.

*********************************************************

I know rushing brings nothing but just a harmful decision to both of us.

But, I just wanna let you know something.

Something that I really think of in every single days.

I can't deny that I'm missing you.

I miss you, a lot more than you could ever think of.

I have so much things to do with you.

Share food with you. 

Explore new cafes and restaurants around the town. 

Bring me along for trips. Short vacation or long trip to overseas. 

Bring me to Disneyland.

Cherish you and the moments we are together. 

Be your listener and share your burdens.

Be with you when you're down.

Give you freedom and watch you smile around your friends.

Smile with you. Talk lame jokes with you.

Sing songs with you. Even though we sing like mad people.

Cook for you. Cook with you. Don't care it's breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Swim together. Our fav sports ;)

On diet together. Save money on the same time :P

Watch movies together.

Enjoy lil moments with you.

Enjoy silent moments where you play your games and I do my stuffs.

Enjoy each other's presence and existence.

Guess this is what I gonna do with the future boyfie.

Two persons, just you and me.

It's perfect enough, at least for me.

Anyway, time is needed before going into a serious relationship.

No rushing, but with patience, tolerance and understanding

Confirmation? Screw you.

Appreciate the moments. Cherish all the memories. Make moments into memories.

I would be here, all the time, to be with you :')

Try harder

Months passed by
I'm still hanging on the same reason
again and again.

Told myself to have a break from all those stuffs
But, I just failed to do so.

I once gathered all my tears and sorrow, leaving that place.
But, now I only realized,
I'm not leaving too far,
I just walked from the place to outside of the place.
I'm outside of it, waiting like nobody cares.
Standing outside yet looking into the circle,
trying to get into it.

Place of thorns and pieces of glasses.
Still, stubborn enough wanting to go back.

Life's so funny.
And ridiculous.

Take a deep breath.
Despite the deep breath is too long to take,
it's okay. Just take the time to heal.
No matter how long it is, just breathe and get healed.

I'll be alright.
Back to the independent person.
Being dependent is just my outer layer,
a shield to protect a relationship.

But now, I should not lose myself.
Get back to the independent and strong person.
Perhaps, it needs time to back on track.
being dependent for sometimes, 
all I need is time.

Get rid of it.
Gain experience.
Be independent.
Be strong enough to shed the tears away.